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I’m turning into an auntie/ grandma

by melmonica on October 13th, 2014

 

Hello people! How are you doing? It’s a superbly sunny day so imma let my legs hang out for awhile i.e. wearing shorts & flip flop. Feels so liberating!

Yesterday my colleague asked me how did i spent my Saturday night. My replied was, “Reading away.” Then she told me that she went bar hopping and was immensely drunk. She was nursing a terrible hungover at work. Something which i fail to comprehend because… i’ve never been drunk before wtf.

When i was younger (early 20s wtf) whenever my friends and i went clubbing, i would order Pepsi/ Sprite (wtf so loser). In my defense, i know what i am capable of doing without being drunk, so i wouldn’t wana explore the side of me which i have no control of. Sumore whenever my girlfriends and i went clubbing i felt like the “responsible” one but not necessary the most “innocent” one *wink wink*.

But those days are over. My social life here is practically non-existent and sometimes i envy the “younger me”. Always so full of life. Foursquare was my fav app cos i like to show off how happening i was *shallow*. But now i uninstalled the app already coz i’ve become more boring conservative and don’t want my private life to be public wtf. Who am i kidding right i have a blog wtf.

 

Anyway the reason why i think i am such an auntie/ grandma is I realized i get worried over petty things. When i was cycling to the library, i had this sudden pang of uneasiness. Although today’s temperature is 26c but the wind was blowing… for a lack of better word… like anybody’s business wtf. Ok according to metservice, the wind was blowing at 35km/h. So you get the idea. And i was worried about my laundry rail topple wtf. It is a normal incident then i felt stupid like why i didn’t think of keeping it at home. Oh yeah, coz it’s super sunny and my laundry deserves some day out wtf. Plus good days like this is hard to come by.

Case in point.

Zzz what is this la! Where’s my spring!

Ok Spotify is playing this song which made me angry. Angry coz why is Britney encouraging us girls to make the guys happy? Why does our sole purpose in this world is to make your other half happy? Isn’t that very selfish and one-sided?

For some reason, this song bothered me very much. One of the mistakes that i did is to be at my partner’s needs and wants 24/7. Due to my employment status for 7 months, i was being too available for him. I was practically at his feet ready to serve and make home as comfortable as possible because he was the sole breadwinner thus it only makes sense that i manage all domestic duties. While it was great, i have unintentionally spoil him. Now that i have a job (although i earn way lesser than him) but i see our relationship as an equal partnership. Now that whenever i have demands/ wishes for something, it will be ignored with no importance (and sometimes laughed at *hurt*). Mind you, my requests are usually more of an emotional one, not the material type.

I’m hurt that my love and the sacrifices i made for being with him are not reciprocated. Based on our previous arguments, I now know better not to bring up whatever issues that are bothering me coz telling him will only make things worst.

Haih feel like crying now because i am angry. I am helpless. I can not do anything to make myself feel better. And also, i’m tired of being my own cheerleader. So tired of being strong. Dislike the feeling of being alone in this relationship. So tired of uncertainty too. So tired of sleeping my unhappiness away. And wake up the next day feeling even worst. And disgusted. Like i’ve just wasted a day of my life feeling miserable.

 

Dear friends who are reading this, can you guys please say something? I need all the emotional support that i can get.

 

No social life.

No support system.

Barely any entertainment in this city.

With limited good (and cheap) Asian food.

 

Sometimes i am amazed with myself how did i manage to live with none of the necessities mentioned.

Ending this post with this song. So apt.

Irregardless of what i’m feeling, i hope you guys have a great week ahead *hugs tight*

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