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Go suffocate and choke on your own tears

by melmonica on March 8th, 2010

11.45pm

I lay down on my bed, hugging zhumao & bucuk tightly. Thinking about the things that I was supposed to do over the weekend but I didn’t. Disappointed with myself.

The week passed to fast to breathe in.

I called him and he was busy. We talked a while but I didn’t mention what was really on my mind.

So we hung up and I hugged them lagi tight. Last week at this time… what I was doing?

Hanging out/supper with the part-timers after work at  Gurney Drive. Had this MUST EAT rojak which Soo Ai recommended. i had it ever since i first tasted it

12.05am

Tears started rolling.

I’ve been so patient for the whole day not disturbing his guys day out. And now it’s after midnight still not enough to lepak?

Not that I wana stop him from going out but… at this time when I need him the most. I just wish that he would make me feel wanted.

Not just call to update me about his whereabouts. Not just saying ‘I love you. Muacks’ at the end of every phone call just cos it’s a thing we always say.

I just want to hear you say you love me and really mean it.

By that time I started to send him some really nasty text cos I was angry that he wasn’t with me when I needed him the most.

No point changing to digi.

Fuck off.

I will be gone. Ja.

And then I switched off my handphone.

I really tak tahan why I need to suffer, miss him like hell. What am I doing with my life?? I’m freakin’ 24 this year. I am supposed to have the time of my life. Chasing my dreams.  Do the wildest craziest thing. But over the weekend, I just stayed at home and locked myself in the room.

I didn’t feel like meeting anyone. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody.

I onlined/blogged/FB/read/eat = chocolate/biscuits yepp, that’s practically what i ate on saturday

That’s why in my previous blog I wrote that my condition right now is WAYYY worst that UMS. At least back in UMS, I was eating proper food.

12.15am

He called. We argued/cry/he brainwashed me/i cried even more

for that 45 minutes, he was practically brainwashing persuading me. To move to Penang and live together.

I hesitated. Cos I am not ready to move in with him. I worried if it might damage than do good to our relationship.

Okay okay… I really do want to be with him. But I just can’t… i just can’t…

If I were to move to Penang,  I basically am giving up my career. My future. I’ve never done anything like that. Especially for a boy.

What makes you think that you won’t get a good job in Penang? You have Intact Group. Nuffnang.

Yeah, but how fucking sure are you that I’ll get a job in either of this company?

Then he said, let’s work in Singapore by end this year.

That time lagi I pening kepala. I’m not sure if I can get a job in Penang now you’re asking me to find a job in Singapore??

The conversation ended with a lot of sighing. A lot of ‘I need time to think it through‘ and a lot of ‘I need to sleep. Working tomorrow.’

6.15am

Woke up WAYYY earlier than the time I set. Bersemangat cos I made up my mind. I realised this year I didn’t make any new year resolution and now am making one.

Finally, I’m ready to take charge of my life.

7.05pm

I told you. Every time after work, I feel like I should stay in KL. My job opens up so many learning opportunity which I’m yearning of. Can’t just throw it all out of the window just for a boy.

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2 Comments
  1. i know this is an emo post but somehow i find it really hillarious haha.ooopss sorrry haha. love the way u write so truly malaysian!!and I switched off my phone everytime after sending my bf nasty sms so that he can’t look for me. let him call me let him get worried who ask him ignore in the 1st place. he deserve a little punishment muahaha

  2. Hi Aiwei,

    You’re so on the same page as me!! That was what I thought. If we suffered for them, then they should work harder for our love back right? Muahahaha.

    And btw, I know I ended the post with wanting to stay in KL but in May, I stay with my bf in Penang.

    Thanks for liking my writing. Really appreciate it. You made my day 😀

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